In similar news, my cock is bigger than the plane that landed in the hudson.
my entire walk over here no one looked in my eyes. Period Boobs are BAACKKK.
I just saw a fat chick walking across campus talking to herself and licking her lips. Diet season is scary.
i kept telling her phones are not food, and she countinued to put it in her mouth..
so i never found you. but i found vodka. so its kinda the same
if you lined all their dicks up next to eachother, it would be like at&t bars
We hooked up. It felt slightly wrong considering he is my foreign exchange student but there's a reason America imports. Foreigners got the goods.
The cops busted down the door and everyone ran. I was just trying to find my shirt before I got arrested
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
Okay, tomorrow we'll have a day of life-sorting and plasma-selling.
I just gave him road head. He came in the Taco Bell drive thru which seems pretty typical for my life.
AND ONCE AGAIN, MY VAGINA HAS STRUCK AGAIN. HER PLANS TO TAKE OVER MARYLAND ARE WELL ON THEIR WAY AS SHE CONTINUES TO ENGULF EVERY QUEER IN A 10 MILE RADIUS
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
Randomize
