Everyone needs a good pregnancy scare in their life.
just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
Ok a condom literally fell out of my underwear this morning, i have never been so confused.
official worst smell ever. a used condom that has gone through the dryer.
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
I miss waking up, opening the closet downstairs, and finding you inside passed out.
More importantly, he hasn't caught an STD yet. I mean I'd say it's luck, but at this point it has to be skill.
They were going around the house breaking things and screaming "Not my house!"
Thanks for convincing the hot dog guy to give me one for $1 after I drunkenly dropped the first one. I loved your reasoning "I know you mark that shit up! I work in retail!"
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
Remember that time I tried to pierce your nipples while high... it's like that, only with more blood... and less nipples
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
I don't fucking know. He perched his parrot on his dick. I left after that.
I didn't know I was invited to an orgy.
Sexy intern needs to have caveman sex with me
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