He picked me up for our 1st date and saw my roommate crying on the floor Fabreesing her vagina...
I can't believe I am actually paying for a night in a hotel for my parents so I can throw a party the night before Christmas Eve. I also can't believe they think it's their Christmas present.
We played shuffleboard at the bar last night...another sign we are getting tooooo old.
You puked in the drive thru of Taco Bell. You puked as it was being handed to me. You managed to yell out "FIRE SAUCE" in between hurls.
i just sat down and hooked up with this girl. after she left i called over another girl and did the same. this happened about four more times and i never left my chair
Would it be safe to assume you're the one that left my front door wide open and left yourself a trail of jaeger drops to find your way back?
Shrimp lo Mein doused in green apple Smirnoff is a rare delicacy only a few get to experience..guess I should consider myself lucky
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
You wouldn't believe how many pro-life stickers, and "show us your tits" signs there are between here and Dallas.
He does have a nice smile. I also like to think he has a nice penis, but that's just a prediction.
Over 14,000 people at my school and the kid I went home with last night is IN MY FUCKING LECTURE
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
We were supposed to have sex but we had smoked so much neither of us wanted to move.
annnnd thats why you don't tip your waiter by flashing them
Pretty sure my aunt hooked up with one of my brothers frat brothers at his graduation party
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