i will never coherently bang her
last night was fun... but i spent all morning tring to get the candle wax out of my chest hair. We did use candles last night?
i may or may not have puked on your loofa in the shower.
Classy. Drunk on alcoholic "energy drink" at work before 8 am on a Tuesday. Between that and hanging out in bars with no pants on, your life is beginning to sound like a Bukowski novel.
I just learned a new drink. Sloppy Ninja. Half Saki Half Nyquil
We finally have the house to ourselves and your out playing Lance Fucking Armstrong
I know. I'm a saint. Saint of sitting on faces.
I love how encouraging you are, but I need you to stop me when the guy I'm going home with is a dead ringer for Nick Cage.
We showed up to the ER to pick him up and I was still wearing face paint from the game. Then I threw up in the sink. Those doctors did not like us at all.
If he's dating my cousin now, do I have to erase the pictures of his dick off my phone? Ugh, morals.
At least get laid and waffle fries out of it you whipped basterd
my vagina can't handle any more of our 4 day long smash bash. it should be like a holiday or something. should only happen once a year.
Don't read too much into what I just sent. I love you, always have, but I'm drunk and sorry for the confusion.
Which part? The boyfriend or the sex?
Boyfriend. SEX IS ON!!!
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
We were playing fuck marry kill and he was eavesdropping so I said I would fuck him
It was like catching dick in a barrel
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