Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
I need to stop coming to work sober
My recently uploaded pictures to facebook: Me partying on Beale St. with a single girl on each arm. Ex's recently upload pictures: Several pictures of cats. I win.
He's fat, has man boobs, and is uncircumsized. I feel like I won the last woman on earth prize.
Apparently Bin Ladens last act of terrorism is cock blocking me....
She said her hobbies include bangin guys on one night stands and then sending them facebook relationship requests the next morning just to freak em out
just cheers'ed a flock of cattle as i drove past eating a burger i bought 7 hours ago. that high.
there's an entire drinking game devoted to nobody liking her face
I just realized now that you're pregnant we can't use alcohol as currency
WHITE RUSSIAN BREAKFAST CEREAL.
So, got kind of drunk last night, made out with some guy, and somehow stole his credit card. Don't even know.
I'm too over dressed and drunk for this emergency vets office
My mom just looked at me and said; "You've been pretty bitchy lately do you need some dick?" WTF has happened to me?
I almost accidentally threw him out a window during sex last night.
He showed up to my apt at 6am wearing a suit and holding a bag of coke....how could I not let him in?
Randomize
