An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
the only muscles i have these days is kegels
We banged through her entire lady gaga playlist. I can die happy now
critical mistake not lubing the nipples
I'm going to do lines of vitamin c I cannot be sick for halloween
you started looking at my couch laughing and saying to it "she thinks I'm talking to you" then proceeded to laugh and talk to the couch some more.
Her only article of clothing is an American Flag
Did you seduce any young men into coming home to your love nest of poutine and jäger bombs?
I'm really sorry that I blew your friend in your bed, but to be fair he started it.
Come home, I'm drunk on the porch and pretending to smoke breadsticks like cigarettes. Enticing, right?
I need to stop getting so drunk at bowling
National tequila day this year falls on a Monday. I've never been more disappointed in my life.
Randomize
