non applicator tampons are so hard to put in when your drunk. i fingered myself for 10 minutes and forgot what i was trying to do.
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
Then she opened the door and pitched the dead squirrel out, yelling "TELL THE OTHERS WHAT YOU SAW"
You can't keep basing your relationship off of the fact that you both love ramen noodles
I tried calming him down but his eyes are rolling to the back of his head and he's yelling "COMA WEED!"
I'm having a self conscious moment and I need your complete honest opinion of my boobs.
Shoot me. Guy hitting on me with a beaver on his head. Says it is his spirit animal.
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
Really, thanks for buying me caribou, it helped me out. Today will forever be the day I threw up in a caribou cup in the skyway outside of chipotle.
not totally sure where im at but i think i've definitely woken up on this couch before. bong on the coffee table looks familiar. should be able to find my way home
I literally just fucked insane clown pussy. 24 yo nut job moonlights at children's parties. Gave me head while still in full clown makeup from my kid's birthday party.
Also I'm at the pub and there are old lady pirates gyrating on a pole. I wish you were here.
Did we seriously steal a wet floor sign from McDonald's then get chased down by a homeless man for it? Never drinking again.
Just had sex in the room next to my parents. Heading back to school ASAP.
She meowed at me. Repeatedly. Then she asked what was wrong with me because I didn't understand her.
Randomize
