Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
He literally didn't stop until I lost count of how many times he made me orgasm. It took three hours.
she stopped traffic so I could crutch across the street. Clubbing while crippled and drunk is different.
Apparently throwing balloons filled with vodka off the roof is considered terrorism.
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
I FINALLY GET TO MASTURBATE. SO EXCITED.
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
I no longer need a flask. I need a canteen.
Dude, you were so drunk you were hanging from the ceiling of my car pretending you were a sloth while we were on 81.
How'd things go with that guy last night?
He threw up in the consol in my car then started crying about his ex girlfriend.
I know right, I would blow him just for the satisfaction he would taste like vodka
Got baked and laid and ate baked lays when I laid down while baking the brownies I I’m Superman
You’re still high, aren’t you?
Oh yeah
Want to help me interview candidates to replace my Cub/Boy Toy when he leaves for grad school next month?
I miss painting strippers for Christmas. Holidays not the same without glitter and body paint
I'll be your substitute stripper tonight.
Randomize
