I want to make a zoo with you.
Is it wrong to scream your own name when about to bust?
You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
love makes seman taste better
I've done nothing but whore my gay ex bf out for the past 48 hours. It's getting weird.
The bouncers kicked us out around 3 so we went to the grocery store flasks in hand and asked them to turn up their music...
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
i need to stop celebrating other people's birthdays like they are m own.. my body can't handle a birthday every week
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
Then he unzipped his pants and whispers, " oohhh, look out!"
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
I love that my family celebrates every holiday with a joint. Chanukah? Mazel-juana! Easter? What's more spring than the color green? Election day? What better way to celebrate democracy in action than medical pot?
Said he wanted to wear me as a loincloth. Not sure if sexual or predatory
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