got them to do a wheelbarrow of shame down the sidewalk after the threesome. I rule
There are the 2 BIGGEST tools by me-- at our table. I hate them. But they're not ugly and I may make out with them later. And hate myself. Definitely hate myself.
my mom hid the smirnoff from me. this is the most fucked up game of hide and seek EVER
I already brushed my teeth, and it's not even noon yet. Today's going to be a productive day.
We uncovered another pile of vomit after you left. And i am not talking about the one in the vase
Well. It was around 3 or 4 in the morning. He ran into the woods. Wearing moccasins. Holding an extension cord. He was trying to catch a deer. That about sums up the awesomeness of the night.
if any part of your body has ever entered my vagina you are fucking obligated to speak to me if i so desire
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
I sat on my couch last night watching What Women Want, eating ice cream, and sobbing "why doesn't she like me?" Why was I born a man?
He told me that he's proud of our abnormalcy as a couple. I think it's the most romantic thing he's ever said.
I wonder what dick looks like without astigmatism?
Please clarify that he is speaking of beer pong and not rough sex
It's becoming clear to me that I am not sugar baby material. I don't think I could handle old balls long term.
During my first week as an adjunct prof, I played a fiercely fought game of squash with a law student and we wound up having hot, sweaty, angry sex right on the floor of the court. She is either the best or worst thing to happen to my academic career. Will let you know.
I'm at home 4 xanax deep watching She's all that.. no I don't want to go out. The couch is eating me.
Randomize
