i just had sex. the condom broke. we're sleeping in to separate beds. And im in albany
It's a line of coke at 10 a.m. kind of Saturday. Don't be a pussy about life.
She has no definite jawline and all of her photo's have Ke$ha quotes as captions followed by a "<3" Even by your standards that is embarrassing.
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
Apparently I've been blackout drunk doing abstract algebra on the floor
He just remixed a spongebob song with 2 chainz..... Clearly I love him
I need a present that says please like me even though i'm banging your grandson
I just drove my booty call to his booty call, if that isn't spreading the love, I don't know what is.
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
Just whisper "I fucked your boyfriend" in her ear and be done with it.
Sorry my friend with benefits tried to run you over with his car
I just found three upside down bottles of grapejuice in a triangle around the air freshener above my toilet... I guess it was one of those nights
My fart just smelled like the inside of white castle, I mean spot on, no difference whatsoever.
Sooo...you're driving 6 hours for free booze?
Don't judge me.
Randomize
