The paper boy just woke me up in the front yard again.
you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
Penises. Penises everywhereeeeeeeee. Penis ratio is sooo disproportionate. I can't NOT get laid tonight.
Fuck. I'm going to pass the savings right on to the strippers. It's trickle down economics.
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I'm sorry you couldn't sneak away today. You're the only guy I'm fucking that I can talk with about the other guys I'm fucking, and I need some advice
Just talked to Kate. She said I called her on Friday night. She said I was crying for 5 minutes because we were parked in front of a fire hydrant.
I wish there were birth control emojis
when you greet her, try not to lead with "this night will end with you on top of me". first impressions, bro.
Can I steal her, take her home, and feed her only vodka?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'M MAKING HIKING PLANS WITH THE GIRL WHO IS DATING MY EX, THAT IS PERSONAL FUCKING GROWTH
It kind if looked like a strap-on dressed up for Halloween.
Are you vicariously golddigging through me?!
Idk... he wears anklets.. i dont think i can get past that.
Plus you get to call him out on being a dick. It's more satisfying than ever sex I've ever had.
Sorry. Im too sleepy to penis.
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