Dude, I'm in her bathroom and there's crab shampoo... is it worth the risk?
You're missing what this discovery implies... she's got a fucking bush.
I wish there were wingman of the year awards.
She looks makes a Zellweger face when she cums, she's keeps asking why I call her renee
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
I couldn't function. I was to the point where I was using a bottle cap as a monocle.
He's covered in dirt and enchiladas. We're going drinking now.
He says he quit drinking. I'd like to have a moment of silence for losing the best drunken hookup ever. We will build a memorial to his awesome cock.
Look, if he's not the brother with three nipples, I'm just not interested.
It's amazing how not interested in talking to him I am since I've decided that he probably has chlamydia.
HELP A SISTER OUT. AND KEEP YOUR TONGUE OUT OF THE HUMMUS.
TOO HIGH TO FIGURE THIS SHIT OUT
When you're looking for your panties tomorrow, you traded them for a blunt on the train.
I'm a grown ass woman, I need to get fucked
Look, he's a hot korean guy with a motorcycle and a great ass. I'm gonna do head-titingly kinky shit with him.
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
I'm sitting on the couch playing the sims, how's ur night going?
I'm sitting on my floor, drinking wine, and listening to bette midlers "wind beneath my wings"
Why are our lives so predictable?
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
Randomize
