so my bro's bff came over...we had an awkward "yeah we fucked and can fuck later, but let's just pretend it didn't happen in front of the family" hug.
Anyone ask you how much a bj cost yet? That shirt is so whorish
I wish you wouldn't refer to your breast milk as "ammunition"
it wasn't sex, it was awkward naked time.
I just fell for a fake 50 dollar bill in a urinal. Fuck pittsburgh
It didn't go so well. He got drunk and asked my dad if 'front or back' virginity mattered more.
Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
I just got carded by a ten year old.
Planning a foam party. Swimsuits are mandatory, and please no granny suits. If you wear a granny suit I will stick you in the corner and put a cone hat on your head.
he told me to take care of him and then he asked me to walk him to his hotel. I already have a pussy. I don't need another one
Just looked for hours for the remote. Found it in my purse. I need to drink less.
Would you still love me and fuck me doggie style if I had a dinosaur tramp stamp?
Dude, he wouldn't have sex with me during halftime cause we were rooting for different teams and that would be "bad juju", I had to settle for 69.
who says I'm not relevant to the kids today? Just had snapchat sex, blows the roof off aim cyber sex
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