my hangover today makes thursday's feel like a bubble bath.
I know it's getting bad when I wash the bong more often then the dishes
how in the hell can u get pulled over when ur car is parked.
Well hello freshman 15, didn't see you there until I tried on last years summer clothes.
Turned out not to be so bad. He had a big dick and i owed him for all the free beer over the year.
I'll offer my penis as collateral. You can hold title to it till I pay you back.
If you see my mugshot on the news tomorrow, its not what you think
You were so drunk you decided to go out of the car window instead of using the door, once you realized what you had just done you said fuck it and went back in through the window
Dude. Steinbecking. It's when you double-fist coffee and alcohol to help you meet a writing deadline.
Is it bad I'm drunk at orientation
You've been there for 12 hours, what are you supposed to be doing
Not be drunk
Seriously. I'm like, "Wait, we are actually talking about physics in the middle of sex and its ACTUALLY erotic because you're so fucking intelligent I'm turned on?"
I met someone else! And I had a wonderful orgasm! And he wants to see me again, like take me out!
How do I figure out the name of this sleeping naked guy in my bed?
Gonna be late for work. Sex comes first. Priorities.
How do you explain to your parents that you can't go to the library because you got banned for being drunk in there... on a Sunday afternoon?
That's $100,000 of quality education right there.
Randomize
