I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
that's the second time you've been mistaken as a prostitute. maybe life is trying to tell you something
its my fault though, i'm wearing tights
you're hiking in tights? you remind me of dennis quaid's fiance in the parent trap
i either bought an eighteen year old girl or i'm engaged to her... i'm not quite sure
oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
You got ahold of his prescription papers and gave out prescriptions for cranberry and vodka
The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
I just want one of her status not to be about Jesus.
We decided I could make bicurious-jitos or ho-meh-jitos or heteroflexible-jitos. But not homojitos.
You want to move to a city because of their promotional beer pricing
So?
This is why you shouldn't make decisions
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
I deleted his number so I had to go into my old voicemails which are saved through my gmail and search his name... Never underestimate the resourcefulness of a drunk girl on a mission for dick
If he's gonna send me dick pics; he should at least zoom in to make it look bigger.
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
I was too lazy to get my chapstick out of my purse so i lubed up my lips with pizza grease. On a scale of 1-10 how embarassed should i be?
My vagina cried when he left. I think she's about to be at war with my self respect.
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