You're mentally unstable and I would hate to be you
youve choked your chicken with your arm asleep and acted like it was some1 else right?
I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
Today's dinner table topic: the probablity of my dad turning gay if he ever left my mom.
shes 19, drunk and said she has no gag reflex. im trying to decide if i have scruples
you dont
i dont
I swear she hasnt shaved since the last time we hooked up 5 months ago
I just want you to know that I'm, like, 45% hard right now.
No fucking judgements. You know me. Chinese food vent sessions are safe places.
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
I was told i took a shot doing a headstand in the backseat then proceeded to barf all over my face
I had no idea you were so talented.
Do you remember trying to sleep under the pool table while wearing a reflective vest?
Nope.
You kept saying you had to be safe.
Just cuz you've got the biggest dick I've ever seen doesn't mean u can wake me up at 2 am
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
Randomize
