Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
Well his aunt was in the next room so we had to be quiet. I felt like i was on an episode of silent library.
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He blew a load on his roommates pillow just to piss him off. Why did you introduce me to these people?
I hijacked a bellboy cart and rolled into the party dancing on it
He's had mdma poured down his throat. He's getting huggy.
Oh and no more ball pics to my family. Got in a little trouble over that. They have no sense of humor.
You now have the mental image of me flying off into the sunset with no pants
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Thinking of someone think of me while masturbating while I masturbate. & that's how the over thinkers do it ✌️
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
Whoever was doing lines off my iPad is a dick. Also bring Gatorade, for I hunger
For Who flesh?
Should I wear my "kiss me I'm highrish" shirt for my drug screen today?
See and now you're talking. I am like the fairy godmother of hook ups.
Did I tell you about the swingers? Because I think they're trying to trap me.
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