I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
she said she'd blow me if I bought one of her sorority raffle tickets. Goddamn it's gettin easy
Do you think I can haggle my way to discounted weed on 4.21?
I knew as soon as I saw that pole that I was going to wake up the next morning with bruises.
We made out for three hours. Then she said she didn't sleep with redheads and left the party. So yes, I'm still drinking.
Found a Safeway Deli Sandwich in the shower this morning... Perhaps the 9th beer was unnecessary.
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
Think about if the incredible hulk and king kong had a retarded baby. That's the sound she made in my ear the entire time I fucked her.
I've already reverted to sweat pants. And lonely drinking.
I just had the weirdest moment. Made eye contact at the bar with a girl who has seen my vagina.
this one kid was speed-mumbling about putting broccoli in the printer
I want to be "performing a disservice to society by actually wearing clothes in public" hot.
I never thought I'd say this but there's too many dicks around here.
I need to stop waking up with no pants on.
what happened this time
I dont know everyone was gone and there was a bird in the room
I want to strut with the confidence of a pigeon.
Randomize
