Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
You totally drew a penis wizard on my closet that says "I travel for cock rock"
im probably shirtless right now with a bottle of jack watching horton hears a who. this is a judgement free zone.
just gave another girl i passed on the walk of shame a high five
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
Bone him for me, BONE HIM TWICE FOR ME.
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
No, dude...I agree it's great in theory but I promise you that 80 drunk 21 year old sorority girls together in one room for formal is one of the worst drama filled ideas ever. Ever.
I just need to stick to one night stands and delete social media
Well just saw that professor I hooked up with on campus and I look like a dumpster baby
He was awesome with her today. I can't say that it didn't make my Fallopian tubes sing "The Hills Are Alive."
Hey, thanks for helping me this morning
Always a pleasure to feed you bread as your body lay crumpled on the floor.
dude i told her that I loved her...and she said, " go fuck yourself"
You tryed convincing the salvation army bell ringer you could do the worm and face planted into the sidewalk... I put a dollar in the can for your performance
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