don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
So he saw that playlist i made with his name as the title. i think he's creeped out that I have 106 songs that remind me of him
Just because you put plan b in my Easter basket doesn't give you an excuse not to wear a condom.
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
Received a verbal warning at work for "riding in a trash receptacle, violating professionalism & infection control."
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
Drunk me Does not appreciate a drunk, naked you kicking me off the couch at 3am. You have a bed here, you dick
I'll check it out in the morning. Tonight has been reserved for getting baked and covering myself in kittens because THAT IS AN OPTION.
I am taking a candle lit bath, blasting some tupac and smoking a fat bowl. This is how every night should end. Did you go take a piss in his car yet?
Do you congratulate someone for having bigger tits, or is that a no no?
He wanted to watch the vow, cuddle, and not have sex. An upgrade is in order.
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
Ahha guy saw me buying beer, went "hmmmmm" and nodded his head approvingly. No words exchanged, but he has made his way to my heart haha
Imp drunk. It'd free popcorn tuedday I love life.
Randomize
