May have just accidentally purchased an iphone on Kate's credit card. This has potential to be bad.
you miss my big massive throbbing cock dont you?
Woah.
that's not how you spell hell yes.
I wish all the girls i wanted to sleep with knew how big my dick was then id have a better chance
It wasn't until that morning that I realized I wasn't actually dreaming, finding myself in the bathtub with someone laying on me
You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
Drunkenly bought a $240 realtor course last night. Apparently even drunk me thinks my future is going nowhere
She left a blanket, pillow, a glass of water, and two advils in the bathroom for me. It's like she knew. Best room mate ever.
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
Fyi, shaking your genitals at me doesn't count as "trying to have sex".
I believe in your delicious
Just remember, the Browns have more wins than Ronda Rousey this year.
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
When he identified himself as captain clitoris i knew my night was fucked.
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
Randomize
