Wow, your whole life is a joke regardless of the fact that its april fools day
I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
Stumbled into class and into a desk. When I fell my bottle broke in my backpack. I had to leave there was vodka everywhere.
I'm sitting next to a ginger. She is decked out in olive green. Gingers fucking love olive green.
You'd be proud! I didn't lose my id this time... It got confiscated
Come get me we have a petting zoo to throw up in.
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
Are you 5:30 blackout again?
My ex's new girlfriends ex boyfriend is getting me my nipples pierced for Valentine's Day so who's the real winner here
Nothing says I love you like a silicone dragon dick
The uber man and I sat in silence. With my underwear in my purse and my dress shoved in the pocket of the hoodie the guy gave me.
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
Don’t judge me
Some of us don’t have access to dick on a constant basis
Randomize
