the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
i think i have two assholes
She told me I reminded her of the fair. And she wanted to deep fry my dick and eat it.
Just made a drug deal by throwing my money to my dealers window and receiving weed the same way. We are the definition of typical lazy stoners.
He promised he'd be the first bidder on my ebay item if i went home with him. Worth it.
you're acting like its my fault you're allergic to sperm or something.
i told you we never speak of that again
I'm eating cereal out of the pocket of my flannel right now
I hope you don't have to start the day explaining to me how you failed to turn "Can I practice my belly dancing in your apartment" into all night sex.
Just used "I used to work as an inflatable toy operator" as a pick up line. Freshman frenzy is great...
He ate the contents of an ashtray and didn't puke, I think he can handle drinking a fifth to himself.
gay sex achievement: unlocked
what
you told me you were going out for groceries!!
My boyfriend told me that I said I wanted to "feast on her vagina"... Glad I don't remember.
I'm literally in the bathroom for two minutes and I walk out to a random dude with his face in your tits
His sister hates me so I took his virginity on her bed
If he moved really quickly from "hi I've had a crush on you for years" to "send nudes" you probably were used.
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