Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
She said she could kiss it, just not put it in her mouth. Because that would be cheating..
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
It's almost like sex with her has gotten boring... like it's still good, but the creativity is lacking... it's times like these that i wish she still wanted me to gag her
Revised rule: don't put your dick in the general vacinity of mental instability.
Not even dry humping. Not even a little bit.
Fuck you come back. The old guy next to me is complementing me on my great choice of ring fingers,
Get you some cowboy.
In that sentence you are the cowboy. That is not saying you should get a cowboy for yourself.
Dude, you can't even imagine the trip, I actually thought that there were Care Bears sitting next to me at the bar, I'm pretty sure I started hitting on the pink one.
I'm sure we could go all project runway on our diapers and create some flattering absorbent thongs. We could do it on the Boat. Call it project rumway.
She walked out and announced that he was now part of our confused, incestuous, glorious eskimo family. I've never been more proud.
Campus is too small for this to keep happening
the second she challenged me to mario kart drinking game i knew i was in love
Is it bad that I tried to build an outfit based around "What do people who use condoms look like when they buy condoms?"
It happend again, swimming on the floor... Vodka is my friend
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
Randomize
