God help me. Come pick me up. The guy told me this is not a hotel and i had to leave.
The Worst (noun)- 1. Getting up at 6am after a night of drinking. 2. Wearing a Peter Rabbit costume.
What a tease, dude. She's giving me emotional blue balls.
so i think im going to actually use my calories on food today instead of beer.
I'll go out only because I know the starving children in third-world countries would frown upon us if we let an hour of free sangria go to waste...
he was holding his dick in one hand and my boob in the other and i looked down and thought, this is my life
incase your class ends early, there are three naked guys in our room. but don't get too excited, they're all gay.
Bartender just fed me brownie. Its going to be a good night
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
Realistically you can't tell me you're gonna put mashed potatoes on your dick and expect me not to get excited
You just want to live out all your fuck fantasies with all these girls through me. I know your game. Well played sir.
I just fell and sprained my ankle in the shower. No, I wasn't having sex. I was doing the time warp. Again.
She rode me wearing nothing but a Santa hat. Merriest fucking Christmas!
i was so high when i left this morning that rather than make sandwiches i threw bread and peanut butter in my backpack. a whole loaf. and a whole jar
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
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