If that ambulance is off to save our dignity, please tell them it's too late...
You drink too much
No, I drink just the right amount - too often.
I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
It's 5:30am in Vegas and I'm eating McDondalds next to crying prostitutes.....low point.
i will trade you pizza and a blowjob for a fifth of vodka.
do i get to eat the pizza while you give me the blowjob?
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
We found her on a strangers doorstep chanting "I know someone will let me in" it took 2 of us to drag her to the car.
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
This girl came outta nowhere yelling HOLD MY DICKKKKKK!
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
I DID MY EXPERIMENTING. FOUR YEARS OF IT. IN HIGH SCHOOL.
Woohoo! Instead of a pregnancy test you can buy me a burrito
This is my last chance to be the first person to fall off this roof.
Terrible idea I love it
2017 is my year to realize stuff. Move over Kylie Jenner
Randomize
