Soo i just shotgunned a water balloon...
oh my she just said cum sticks to her dentures so when she blows if they let her she takes them out
We video chatted for almost two hours. But I woke up with puke on my keyboard. The question of the day: were we still chatting when I vommed? No idea.
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
a girl is trying to cook hot pockets in a saute pan on the stove.
Yeah I tried to leave with 3 drinks and the bouncer wouldn't let me, I slammed all 3 right in front of him and football spiked them in the trash can
shes the only person ive ever met that could make "i don't swallow" sound sexy
Handcuffed. To. Steering. Wheel. Fuck.
you were just eating all his cookies and kept mumbling "them crumblies" when the crumbs got on your shirt.
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
I was 100% done.. I used my vibrator while eating cold pizza. Shit was magical.
DONT TELL ME I CANT HAVE AN ENTIRE BOTTLE OF VODKA AT DINNER. IM AN ADULT. I PAY BILLS.
I just watched a squirrel take down a snake,life isn't so bad after all.
What color nail polish screams, "Either fuck me or get the hell out of my way"?
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
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