dude. I'm so drunk.
pete, this is bryce's mom
I can't wait to have my cock in your ass
pete, this is still bryce's mom
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
Ya after that i took a dump on a car... We're definitely partying with him again
we were shitfaced at work by 8pm. I had to stop myself from pouring vodka in everyone's cappuccino.
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
One thing noone tells you about getting put in the drunk tank is do it barefoot. You get free flipflops.
Guess which frat house I just walked out of! And on a related note... guess who's uncircumsized
It's all coming back to me. I drank moonshine from a milk carton from a guy named tomohawk last night.
I've injured myself in such a way that i am only capable of making love standing up now
It sounds like I am drunk, but I am not. I just have a concussion.
Im invoking the "no judgements" clause of our friendship.
My god, what have you done?
that is either the most profound and meaningful thing i've ever heard, or someone got high before noon again.
I came in like 30 seconds, and my dog got to watch me take the walk of shame to the bathroom to clean up. All in all, not my best performance.
My booty call made my bed while I was in the shower. I may have to marry him.
That has got to be a joke. No human eats that much grass and lives to tell the tale.
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