i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
Reach down the front of your pants and feel around for a while. When you find your balls, leave the library and meet me at the bar.
I think it's time we have the "weird fetish" talk.
Is it bad if one of my goals right now is to snort blow through a licorice?
Don't answer that. It is bad.
If you want me to retract my crazy cat lady comments pictures of yourself dressed as a cat are not the way to do it.
Hey man, sorry about punching you in the face, also about turning the shower on you. I just really wanted you to drink some water.
You were great dude. You wanted to charge the guy with fedora $100 to get in.
True friends don't judge, they just try to have more booty calls than you do.
How can other people our age be acting like adults when I'm still taking my birth control pill with left over gin and tonic from the night before?
Just please try not to piss Danny off, I really can't afford to find a new drug dealer again
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
I slid a quarter down a drunk man's butt crack last night. Qdoba gets rowdy
I flashed my boobs, shit my pants, and kissed the wrong twin. I'm on a roll you don't want in on.
My sister gave me satin sheets. We can fuck on satin sheets.
Randomize
