I could make wine with my vomit
I cut holes in my blanket and put my arms through it. It's the sleeveless "Bro Edition" Snuggie.
currently walking past a fire hyrdrant with a hose already attatched.. this could be dangerous..
I just saw a license plate that said "Guidete" at college. This proves the world is officially ending in 2012
Maybe he just has a boisterous penis
I wish you'd make everyone's lives easier and do him already. Then we can get rid of him.
She told me I made the cut, and to write my name and number on the white board by the door. I was the 7th number down.
I drunkenly called my ex on Skype last night and didn't talk, just smiled real big at him until I fell asleep.
I'm a hopeless romantic that likes rough sex. Judge me
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
We may not see eye-to-eye on much, but I'm definitely willing to let you see eye-to-vagina again.
My heart says buy the granny panties, but my vagina says don't throw in the towel yet.
I just traded a couple nudes for pizza delivery. Call me lazy, easy, or an entrepreneur, but either way I'll have dominoes in 15 minutes.
Just cropdusted a little kid that wouldn't get out of my way in Kroger. Welcome to the real world bitch.
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