Needless to say when I told my parents they loved me less
I just shaved my legs while pooping. classy or trashy?
talent.
yea..i want to get out of new york for a bit too but for the love of god not to new jersey. that's like getting tired of the stripclub and getting yourself a toothless prostitute.
I can't think of anything besides pubic hair fallout. Ugh.
I suppose drinking a cosmo at lunch alone can't look good but I mean... sometimes it's just necessary
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
I have bad memories with every alcohol but we manage to work through the problems for the good of the relationship
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
Between fucking and sleeping I woke up missing four out of five of the earrings I was wearing. It's like a star rating system. I had to give him props.
I am at 99 matches in less than 24 hours, I need a tinder rehab program
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
Just threw up in a cup driving down the road because there was cop behind me and I didn't want to pull over. Not sure if winning or failing at life.
He grabbed a pine cone off the ground and yelled "I love cigars" then tried to smoke it for ten minutes.
Grumpy Cat is dead and fuck EVERYTHING.
Randomize
