what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
I have three paper towels stuck up my vagina. This is not a time to be calm.
we bought a duck. we're keeping him in our dorm room. don't ever try to tell me you've had a better freshman year than me.
i was mezmorized. she was the most beautiful girl that looked like a boy i ever seen
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
We were talking about threesomes when she went to say who she would have as her third. She did not get to finish her sentence because her bf already said my name.My sheer presence destroys relationships.
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
He's on the bus now and took off his Amish hat so just his long ginger beard is present. Goodbye, majestic Amish ginger. Go forth and represent your minority well.
wow. there is a man who hates the post office more than me. he is causing a scene, this is a snapshot of elderly me.
What if he stabs me in the back, mid-orgasm, as I sit on his face? It'd be a miraculous way to go but that's not the point
I'm not real sure what dinosaurs sound like, but dude, she made dinosaur noises.
I have a bag of frozen peas on my vagina. If you want to talk about real problems.
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
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