I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
just the thought makes me want to clean my vag with a clorox wipe
highlight of my day: just saw a crying girl get dropped off at home wearing only socks, booty shorts, and a dirty wifebeeter. I wonder what happened to the costume...
Promise me that if I become one of those sad people that facebook pesters you to 'reconnect with' you'll tell me so I can delete mine and save myself the humiliation?
I was looking at some smoking pipes on amazon the other day and realized that work people could look at my history and do a drug test. So I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
I found my old addy guy via fb who clearly understands the supply and demand curve of addy during finals so he's gonna hook me up.
No. Please No. At first it was cool when you started bring an extra girl home for me but after 2 cycles of clap medicine I'm putting an end to it.
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
They don't allow McDonald's in the ER. Go figure
he just texted me saying he needs a place to stay for the night. pretty sure i just got booty called to my own house...
he asked me to lick his asshole and I told him his girlfriend could do that for him
By early evening I was shouting at the deeply Christian girl to suck my dick inbetween snorting lines of gatorade powder.
HIS DICK ISNT BIG ENOUGH FOR HIM TO BE THAT PROUD OKAY
just woke up with a trucker hat, half a grilled cheese, and popcorn spread everywhere. last night must have been good.
Someone's gotta tell him drunk sex comes before dating
Randomize
