Is it sad I memorized the exact change required for a #7 at Wendy's?
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
this girl with a french braid down the center of her head won't stop talking about the benefits of the free market. i'm hungover, bloated and haven't slept for 4 days. shut up french braid girl, shut up.
Life lesson. Learning to pee left handed is easier than learning brickbreaker left handed. Rather lose a few drops than a few lives
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
She said to bring taco sauce. Hoping that's a euphemism.
I wrote my name on his balls in sharpie. In the homosexual world that's like a diamond ring. Shits permanent.
in the midst of studying i picked up my capsule full of untouched weed, popped it open, and whispered "soon" into it. midterms man
I mean of all the things to be cockblocked by, Taco Bell is pretty high on the list
And then the night went full on bisexual.
falling asleep on a hardwood floor changes a person
I was doing good, then they gave me free shots
I think I should've done my makeup before I took the acid. Because now I just feel silly looking at myself in the mirror
And then I was like pick your blow job song and he choose the sonic the hedgehog theme song. If he's not the one no one is.
Randomize
