I'm sorry for coming into your work place and trying to smuggle you out in my purse.
I don't want to talk about it but I will say, that was the best two headed $68 blowjob. Ever.
You want anything?
Gatorade and you naked.
i'm going as a slutty football player, and all night i'll drunkily whisper "id love to catch your balls." into random strangers ears.
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i thought you were just a really comfy body pillow until i sobered up. oops.
Yay! Also. When you're coming down eat waffles and touch yourself. You won't regret it.
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
Damn it. Can't order pizza. Can't do the hot tub. No one to invite over for loud, kinky sex. What's the point of being here alone?!
his mom called during sex and he made me talk to her I think we're getting serious
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It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
You can call me ugly and you can call me fat,but don't you EVER say my meme game is weak.
yeah, i thought because of the nature of his job he would have been better at it, but i guess there's a difference between a bagpipe and vagina
Would you laugh at me if I told you I think I burned my nipples?
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
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