remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
Please tell me nicole sent the picture of the ejaculating penis to you too, otherwise I'll feel really awkward
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
I have no idea. There are 6 asians singing hey soul sister to me right now.
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
holy shit the woman im hooking up with is closer to my moms age than my own
The last two times I had sex with him I forgot who it was half way through
i cant believe the cop was fine with you saying no we are in a hurry when he asked to search your car
you made the house rule that every time you'd say "yay" everyone had to drink.
that explains so much
Like my mom really needs to know just how non existent my sex life is
It’s a 10 inch dick! Of course I’m getting a Brazilian
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