Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
Yeah i mean there's 3 guys fighting over me. It would just be bitchy of me not to get with at least 1.
I put it into a sports analogy for him: there are three teams in the league- friends, fuck buddies, and dating, and the fuck buddies roster is full, pick an alternate team
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
I just made Jack Daniels snow cones.
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
No. I'm drinking straight up vodka right now. With a pineapple in it.
That'll put some boobs in that bra.
I was so drugged up it was amazing, I felt like a dinosaur "because I enjoyed spinach, and I got apple juice and only dinosaurs get apple juice" according to me the day of, and last night I felt like a rocket ship
My dad handed me a drink and said, "This'll knock your dick in the dirt..."
Tomorrow I need you to slap me in the face. I'll explain then
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
Although now I have "number of cheese slices" as a unit of boob measurement in my head.
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
don't let your emotions get tangled in that sexy beard of his.
I possibly am a tad bit not really but maybe slightly intoxicated.
Randomize
