if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
the guy next to me needed a pen, so I let him take one from my book bag. my panties are now being passed around the class...thank you for telling me you hid them in my bookbag.
we've already established he's totally wasted. but now he's just sitting at his computer, doing i don't know what, and he keeps saying "dammmn girl" in a really low whisper
There's strippers and bear every where so ether you gave me the wrong address or this is the coolest birthday party thrown for a seven year old ever.
I thought it was a myth but I have just reached the age of sitting on my balls. Not a fan.
Go big or go home. i snuck in two beers in my bra. im here to win.
My phone broke again .... im not really sure how im going 2 explain the teeth marks to the ppl at the Verizon store
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
If my penis could make facial expressions, it would constantly have a smile on.
Trying to ignore the fact that a kid I hooked up with twice just gave me spare keys to his house ... and car.
Oh my god there are animals here. There are actusal animals trying to get him. A giraffe is trying to get in. A giraffee is trying to get in. Is ridiculouss.
Awake! can you bring me my pants...im under the couch
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
this bedazzled flask is my best investment yet
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