Dude I got a text from you at 1:30 last night and you didn't use any vowels
Haha, I didn't want to buy any... we're in a recession you know
Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
Clearly, I'm already going to hell, so there's no point in trying anymore.
Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.
If I could have all the money back from the pregnancy test i've bought- I could buy myself a vacation.
Or a large amount of condoms?!?
Her vagina turned into a vuvuzela. I didn't know it was a possible to have a wet nightmare.
Next time when I try to seductively eat onion rings while drunk remind me of tonight.
i feel like the 7 eleven by your house knows our deepest, darkest secrets
First and foremost she's my friend, but she's also a mistake I make when I'm drunk
She is high at the bar - she thinks the bottle of frangelico is aunt jemima telling her to stop doing drugs.
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
IM SO HIGH RIGHT NOW, IM WHAT ROCKET MAN WANTED TO BE WHEN HE GREW UP. ELTON JOHN CAN BLOW ME.
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
He fired me, I fucked his wife, we're even I think...
The first thing you did was give us a tour of the house and showed us who was "on-limits" and "off-limits"
Randomize
