i know we just met, but i forget your name, and i'm wondering why my penis burns?
Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
At this point it has been so long i wouldnt know what a dick was if it slapped me in the face.
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
im not even sure if i fucked her just woke up in her closet.
fat people need to stop using the handicapped bathroom stall so I can have sex in it. it's common logic
Okay I take that back some girl just said pussy sweat. Get me outta here
I got whiskey, so I think the blizzard and I are at an even match
Getting day drunk before work is perfectly acceptable when its 99 cent margaritas.
Yes. That was the exact moment of my conscience clicking into instant high alert.
You were wearing a sequin mini, with Tevas. And you still got laid.
the only things my left hand does: catch/hold things and masturbation.
He wore a t-shirt that had an arrow pointing to his crotch and "DO IT FOR THE VINE" on it.
At least he's honest about how long he'll last.
He just told me my boobs made up for all the bad things that had ever happened to him. I'm definately having sex with him again.
He was calculating the number of ceiling tiles when I was on top it was fucking rain man.
Randomize
