I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
somehow you got everyone naked by playing strip rock paper scissors.
Yea...but the guy who is beating me has a ponytail. So actually, I'm the winner here.
i am doomed to only fuck guys with curved cocks
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
It's like that depressing moment when you drop your cocaine in the snow.
As you were leaving the bar you grabbed a table and when they stopped you, you said "Its cool i came in with this". They did not believe you.
You tried to get me to kick my booty call out at 3am by tempting me with a trip to ihop
Tell her to buy some booze and drink away her sorrows like an adult.
Well I took a spicy wing shit in a field this morning.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My stuff that was at your place last night smells like doughnuts. I'm not even mad.
If I send Ben a tit pic but I do it while wearing a Tom Brady mask is that funny or creepy
did you just describe your masturbation session as "rad af??"
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
Anyone who does not consider cereal and wine as a balanced breakfast needs to leave immediately.
He's just been a dick since he set his face on fire. I just wanted to eat a fucking hot dog.
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