no, no I am DEF NOT pregnant. typo. sorry, wanted to talk about us...
How long do you think herpes can live on chapstick?
I just found a Chris Hansen soundboard online, care to guess what I'll be doing all day?
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
I was throwing up in the shower. He was throwing up on me. It was a cute couple moment for us.
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
Oh I'm definitely going to hit on her, there's no question about that. What I meant by playing it cool is I'm not going to mount her on sight.
Yeah, nothing like barfing into a grocery bag you just put dog shit into.
So I should just walk in, look him in the eye and say, "I just came to fuck your brother, nice to meet you" and just walk to your room.
I mean really am I setting up a snapchat when I'm 40 so I can send nudes to my 23 yr old bf? yes, yes I am. Where is my life heading.
Yeahh. im on the phone with him drunk. he told me he found a pigeon in a cardboard box and named it quincy...
Apparently we fucked, I kicked him out, then he came back and we did it on the coffee table and in the kitchen.
No I got a fucking mosquito bite on my vagina. Summer is off to a bumpy start.
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