It's more exciting when they aren't single....and even better when you have to pretend that you just slept with their roommate while trying to do the walk a shame as their girlfriend comes marching into the apt.
Im not the least bit jealous of the life you lead.
Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
Threw up 3 times on the lawn mower and then proceeded to crash it into a tree root and break it.
He showed up in booty shorts and no shirt and said dont laugh dont ask questions and give me a fucking final and no one in class said anything we just sat there speehless
Why are there chunks of your hair in everyones pocket?
I decided to mark my territory.
And I feel like pitchers of margaritas accidentally make it down your throat a lot.
I mean, the lady at the Mexican restaurant insisted. She said she would win a prize if she sold another pitcher before noon. And plus I got to wear a sombrero
Yeah I was convinced everyone knew I was high. Time was passing way too slowly for anyone NOT to notice.
He's getting off drug court. We're doing a super-blunt with 50 dollars worth stuffed inside. He almost cried tears of joy when we told him.
I saw a shooting star while he was eating me out at 3am by my neighbors pool. Doesn't get more magical than that
I'll only sleep there if we can bone on your balcony.
So I woke up really sad and then I looked in the cabinet and there was weed and now I'm not sad anymore
I AM NOT LOSING TO SOME FICTIONAL CROSSDRESSER
I woke up to Dragon Ball Z playing in Portuguese and a donut shish-kebab~ed on a dick in my face.
I dont know if hes kidding... but hes drunk and said hes going to shave his balls. Alert your emt friends
I'm currently hiding from this horrific thing that we call adulthood. If anyone needs me, I'll be smoking a bowl in the bouncy house.
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