if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
I tried booty calling last night but apparently he was too tired and wants to meet up tonight. I told him planning defeats the purpose.
Midget Michael Jackson impersonator dancing to Beat it in Penn Station almost caused me to miss my train. God, I
She really thought E.D. was a sexually position.
He was going nice and slow, then he yelled " BOONNEESTOORRMM!!!!!". I can't walk straight.
can you call in chlamydia to work? like if the antibiotics they gave you for it are giving you the shits...
Just took 4 secret shots in his bathroom to not remember him naked.
i can't understand anything he's saying. But he spells alcohol right everytime so i deciphered it.
Yea he called the cop officer fonzarelli and asked him if he was mad because happy days was off the air. Boom, beaten and arrested
All I know for sure is, I went to bed drunk and I woke up in a relationship..I think I need to reevaluate my drinking skills.
She thinks you guys are the gods of the bathroom. If she runs past you naked, give me a heads up
Officially the best daughter ever. I just restocked my parents alcohol that I stole last night AND ADDED TO IT
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
just spent the last 20 minutes cleaning out the soap dispenser. fuck. me. adderall.
Randomize
