Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
You should just wear a sign that says "I like cheap Chinese food and anal"
I like taco bell too
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
you have no chance. her best friend is a human abstinence poster.
i noticed he has a cardboard window on his car and he told me he locked his keys in his car and had to break in...this only makes him more appealing
I just feel like Im gonna be remembered as that one RA guy that used to sell weed
There are apples in the microwave and a cup of twigs in the fridge. I think she's hiding in the pantry, I can hear her giggling. Leaving her to it.
She was so morning drunk she asked the lady at brueggers for a bandaid and my self respect back
Got in a bar fight defending Prince. Thought you ought to know. He gets his dick sucked cooking eggs for breakfast.
you realize you insisted on them having a dance off to korean music to determine who takes you home?
Stop saying "make it happen". I'm not gonna say "hey, you should get naked with your sister and roll around together while I penetrate you both"
Yes. Do not say that. That will not make it happen.
Still. Make it happen
My mom just added me on Facebook... She has one like and it's Will Smith
Went to go look for a friend that was missing since 3am, found her passed out in the hallway of the apartment, guessing it was a good night
I miss the pre Covid days when we could meet men in bars. Hitting on guys in the grocery store is just depressing
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