you woke up, pulled a beer bottle out of your pants..took a drink and went back to sleep.
i did make 45 jello shots and that makes me feel more productive then any paper would
Did you write your name in the dust on our toilet tank?
Why does it always end up with me crying in my car.
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
I swear 95% of pictures on my phone are from drunken nights I don't remember with me doing a peace sign alone in somebody's bedroom.
It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic.
I've gotten 2 singers numbers, a 6'5 dude has promised to take me to Oktoberfest, and I spent the night w a pilot named Zeus who looks like caramel tastes. Also I sprained my thumb punching some guy I named 'hater'. I love Nashville
The only thing that got me through this hellish day was imagining a large Swedish penis inside of me.
What did your vagina DO during the nhl lockout?!
Americans.
well don't blame me. sometimes vibrators go missing and people get angry. these things happen
How is it that I, the only one that didn't drink last night, was the only one puking out the car window?
I think after 8 tries we can say Stoli Thursdays cause too much damage.
man fuck you i am a delight. you're the one who fucking set his tree on fire while high
they gave me money. the money smells like weed. also they gave me weed
Not going to make it tonight. Some cougar at the bar just told me she has dibs on my dick.
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