you threw up in someones recycling bin and left a note apologizing. how drunk do you think you were?!
We just used hot candle wax from our joint lighting candle to make a bunch of new small ones how stoned are we
Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
Currently standing on top of my parents leather couch with no pants on playing helicoptor with my penis. You?
basically at this point ill snort whatever you put in front of me and just hope
Ok. So I've woke up in a hospital. New thing to top that.... Waking up and realizing you've been locked inside the bar by urself at 430 am and all the doors are locked by key
Just for future reference, me asking if you're free, followed by a winking face is not my way of suggesting a tandem bike ride.
I have a sixth sense for dads free balling in gym shorts
I walked home with him, but I had to pee...so I did...as we walked. He was so drunk he didn't even notice. Good thing I was in a dress.
I fucked some frat guy. Then I found my brother after and made him take his shirt off and then I made him tell me he loves me
Easy. Go to walmart, buy a bag of charcoal. everyone gets a present and it's cheap.
It's a sexual break up. We maintain a friendship and leave any and all sexual attraction out. It's not hard, having a baby is harder than that.
BOOM BITCH SERVES YOU RIGHT I HOPE YOU SHIT YOURSELF PETER PAN
the night literally screamed "cock and ball torture"
A world without bacon flavored condoms is not one I want to live in.
Randomize
