Wanted to apologize for chris browning you when you were on my computer.
There are 3 speedbumps now up. Think you can manage the urge to piss on them?
Aw shit! That's like putting me a in a room full of Captiain Crunch Donuts and Jasper Hale and not letting me put my mouth on either.
If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
I'm thinking about that time I was in a trashbag and you spray painted my hair yellow
You picked me up and threw me on a barstool and shoved shots in front of me.
Thats like the definition of a good friend
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
Babies are disgusting. I held one once. Then I washed my hands and rinsed my mouth out with wine.
My mom just found my nipple clamps...... oh God why....
You're gonna be proud in the future that you fucked the next bill gates
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
well that's the third time this semester that I've projectile vomited walking to class in front of dozens of people
Dunno. My heart says "no", my brain says "maybe" and my dick says "YES YES FOR THE LOVE OF GOD YES!!"
10/10 would definitely still fuck you dressed as squirrel
you can tell a lot about a person by the quality of their porn
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