No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
i didnt mean to paint the dog... it just kinda happened
So he handed us the weed then asked us if we needed any papers. And she goes "i dont know what that means, do we need to sign something?"
Woke up with pink eye in both my eyes. That's how the threesome went
Well... He is a good looking man underneath all the fat and muff.
I think I've just evolved into some kind of vodka fueled monster
Everyone else in class agrees the weed smell is coming from me
Lesson learnt. Sex toy cleaning spray is not an acceptable substitute to clean your glasses with.
I added a U.S. Senator on snapchat....casual.
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
i just told him to get ready, because I'm going to be taking out my anger over the Super Bowl out on his penis.
I woke up to some strange woman rubbing peanut butter on my thighs
That's probably why white girls drink so much espresso. Piledriving coke and vodka crans takes a fucking toll man
We only initially bonded over boobs and sarcasm
well tomorrow I get to eat fungus and go to an abandoned city.
most people would fear that statement, but i wish to join you
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