1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
I'm taking last night back. It officially didn't happen. Tell your friends.
lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
The dentist told me I have super glue on my teeth. I'm not blaming you I just want to know how that happened
So, do you think I should wash the ashes off of my forehead before going to the strip club?
Dipping doritos in ranch. Why doesn't he love me?
My neighbors are outside blasting Hootie and the Blowfish while drunkenly hitting a stump with a hammer. I could get used to this.
I woke up to 76 pages of e's, r's, d's, and f's from when I fell asleep for 3 hours on my laptop keyboard trying to write that paper.
I tripped while walking across the stage and while trying to pick my diploma back up my flask fell out in front of the dean
I just found a half a joint in my bed. . .don't know if this qualifies as a proud moment or a cry for help
Something tells me your "Titties for Tracy Morgan" fundraiser won't pan out.
Are you awake? I feel like I need to confess my sins to someone not on this side of the country.
I couldn't even tell you how many times I've said "wrong hole" today
I thought i was doing pretty well but I walked into my first class and everyone on my side of the room immediately asked how drunk and high I was
I am mildly hung over. Decided pants are very unnecessary right now.
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