the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
My moms helping me unpack but im getting a little nervous because I dont remember where i put my dildo
I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
i cant belive i got a ticket! i know what his dick tastes like!
I am telling you that nothing wakes you up like stomach acid exiting your nostrils at 10AM
i officially have more pictures of his dick than pictures of us together
Not sure if this is better or worse than the discovery that bourbon and hot chocolate is a viable combo
Hahah fuck. I keep looking to make sure that stupid line doesn't show up when my guards are down. Babies can sense fear.
When you get to his house tomorrow, follow your instincts. Find the cat first.
You are allergic to dogs. DO NOT kidnap something you are allergic to. No matter how fluffy.
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
I think I should've done my makeup before I took the acid. Because now I just feel silly looking at myself in the mirror
no, it was more of an i-don't-think-he-even-knows-what-a-clitoris-is, bad.
Last night I realized I made a dick appt 2 MONTHS IN ADVANCE!!!!....... WHO THE HELL DOES THAT!?!? LMAO!
Randomize
