you wouldn't even come home last night... Dead to me
cant believe you said you would bone perez hilton
i said paris hilton
thats even worse
I got so many pubes stuck in her braces that when she yanked her head, I cried out like that one girl you "accidentally" rear-ended last week. Bald spots are battle scars.
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
Just got back from fathers day breakfast. So hungover i couldn't eat so i just slipped my food in my pockets and threw it out while i puked in the bathroom.
French people screaming and throwing stuff out the window. We told the manager and he's pissed and going up there. This is gonna be like cops. Maybe better than cops.
she didnt realize that i was putting on the same condom i used the night before with some other girl
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
Cause a man that looks THAT good must have an ass that tastes like lucky charms
I just think his face would be more attractiveif it was framed by my thighs
I can't remember much from that party after we snapchatted my dancing boobs to all of her contacts
As I was about to fuck him, he requested a moment of silence for Leonard Nimoy.
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
I don't know what you slipped me, but my TV is vomming blood right now. Thanks, jerkoff.
what the fuck happened to the tacos
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