i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
Half Baked? Au contraire, Ben and Jerry, I was fully baked when I ate that whole pint of ice cream.
He just asked me if I ever had the urge to put a zucchini in my ass.
Yeah like at least with a penis what you see is what you get with a vagina there can always be a surprise inside
There's a paramedic out here, what have you done?
then my gynecologist said "its like opening up buried treasure"
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
the girl peeing in the stall next to mine has really cute shoes. on a scale of 1 to restraining order, how weird would it be to compliment them from in here?
Her fortune said that she will soon be free. She's taking her bra off at the table.
She's barefoot and topless screaming "HERE KITTY-KITTY" at a stray cat in the ditch on the side of the highway. How do I get her back in the car?
Are you still free tonight?
Oh shit I kinda forgot and took acid
A Morman just tried to recruit me and I told him "Trust me, you don't want me"
don’t ask me. i snorted coke off of a pregnancy test box last night. i obviously don’t make the best life choices.
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
you have 10 seconds to explain why the toilet is full of bread or its ALL GOING ON YOUR BED.
Randomize
