I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
You'd think with all the porn he watches he'd be a little better at this...
you kept saying 'can i put my penis on the grill?' and it was all i could do to stop you. you're welcome, though
I had a moment while I was smoking where I was looking at these palm trees and I knew how dr Seuss came up with his characters.
Let's be honest, your relationships fail because the man you're looking for is the equivalent of an intellectual blow-up doll.
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
Wanna show up on a guy's doorstep and punch him in the balls for me? At least this one isn't a cop.
I'm not entirely sure that the guy that just texted me is not on drugs right now. I'm also not entirely sure that he isn't about to be incarcerated.
Some girl just ordered Chinese delivery to her therapy appointment...
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
Orientation leader success, day 1: incoming freshman just ate out his first sorority girl. I gave him a 7/10.
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
My FIANCE just told me he thought you were the prettiest out of all my friends YOU WHORE
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