I just gave my whole company pinkeye. How's that for a summer intern's lasting impression? BOOYAHH
He asked about stds. I told him I don't have any... which I don't. They are now called sti's. Whooopsie
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
omg i hate the new neighbors. why cant a bitch just be hungover in peace on a wednesday morning.
I like how he had to correct himself in stating that I was the fat one in the threesome.
you came out with your cock in between the legs of a balloon animal. Maybe she'll think you have a sense of humor.
What kind of balloon animal was it?
We are stranded. Come find us. Bring an egg
I snorted a few ambien and woke up here. A lady banged on our door, waking us up, demanding our towels.
he came in the room wearing gloves & rapping while eating a corndog
knight in shining armor
Ummm, my mojito just spilled on 2 essays as I'm grading. Who says high schoolers have all the fun?
Walk of shaming into my apartment. No one to clap me in. Come home!
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
HAMMERED.. I made a peanut butter and jelly sandwich with toilet paper instead of bread...
I just set my mike's hard down and didn't want it to spill, so I held my finger up and told it to shoosh. I'm drunk.
Randomize
