my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
would it be inappropriate to describe you with the phrase "bigass titties"?
Since when does a beard not count as proof of age at the liquor store?
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
I shame-fucked to Hotel California, don't tell me about priorities.
I just learned my tits were fire resistant. I should join the freakin circus
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
Holy shit he's circumcised. His parents must have really loved him.
Sorry I disappeared. Do you hate me?
Not at all, did you not hear me clapping outside your car on our way out?
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
So I just crossed my legs and I was like what is this lump on my leg? Oooh its my underwear from last time I wore these jeans...
Dude, get out of Andrea's vagina and call me back
I cried while dry heaving in the back of the car to the New York song with jay z in it. I was singing it inbetween gags.
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
You kept licking me last night.... and said I tasted like jello. Next time, lay off the jello shots, okay?
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