i just woke up and its 10 o'clock and the words "Robbies Fave Restraunt" and written in sharpie above my vage. Help me.
As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
she was laying naked in the stream looking for "ribbays", which is apparently drunk for frogs.
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
it was like, one of those nights where you keep going back to the fridge because you just can't get full. except, with sex.
If eating a cheesesteak naked doesn't make me feel better, then I don't know what will.
i want to be friends with one of those mini shredded wheat men.
No if my life depended on you fingering me just let me die
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
He pushed a skinny white blonde out of the way just to tell me "you have the finest ass, like ever."
I have never loved a nerdy white boy this much.
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
There I was, puking into the toilet, and he was rubbing my feet, buck naked. I feel like a drunk Disney princess.
Just ate 2 pieces of pizza in the shower.. New low or fuckin brilliant??
I got kicked out of the E.R. for saying "balls".
Randomize
