if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
Sign #1 this conference will suck: Ice breaker question, how many proud virgins do we have in the room, overwhelming response. Looks like I'm not getting laid this weekend.
Just so you know.. I just graduated college with your name still written on my chest
If that doesn't scream bromance I dont know what does
I am burnt. Have a black eye. Face dove into the grass and got pissed on. Time of my life. God Bless the USA.
we couldn't find any funnels so we taped a spaghetti strainer to a pool noodle and it worked fairly well
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
Tell Taylor to rock on. Tell her she is so beautiful that the sun shines down on her face and shows her beauty. Tell her to live on, like Martin Luther King. He'll never die. He's living his dreams.
Fucked her on the patio while some dude drove by on a mower. He waved. Twice.
I can tell right now that knowing you will either be really fun or ruin my life
I'm actually kinda upset that we didn't consider velcro-ing detachable capes to our clothes before this moment.
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
She was giving me head, and a cop pulled up next to us. I freaked when he looked over at me, but so did he and rear ended the car in front of him.
Mike fell asleep with his hand down my pants. I'm clearly an enticing person.
He's asking how tall I am he wants to make a body suit out of me
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